It’s only ‘secret’ because I didn’t disclose my location while traveling. But here I am now, to spill the beans. . .

I spent the week with my family, in Orlando, Florida. Long reasoning story short– it was a trip that I purposely deferred for over a decade, but finally went for it, to give my kids’ their experience of “the parks”.

*the entirety of this article is written from my genuine experience and stated as my OPINION*

February 2024//PART 1

For the first part of the week, we stayed at the Loews Portofino Bay Hotel and simply put— it was unfortunately, motel quality charging lux resort prices. I don’t think it’s pertinent to share full details and when sharing a poor experience, I usually either try to give details but don’t name the place/entity, or the other way around: offer the name of the place/entity but don’t go in to details.

Overall, there was an odd feeling of being on a faux movie set, where everything seemed to be smoke and mirrors + painted to look like you’re in Italy. Even most of the bricks were a facade though, which left the feeling of *unsturdiness*. It ended up being the opposite of my impression that I had from photos while booking beforehand. 2/10.

Here is a zoomed-in photo, of the side of the hotel buildings where construction was pounding-on the entire time; the building-size tarp not much different than the remainder painted-on-facade of the hotel:

Universal Studios theme park was also a 2/10, but please remember that’s coming from someone (me) who absolutely hates amusement parks {and crowds in general}.

The Harry Potter dining experience at the “Three Broomsticks” was not at all worth the hype and “butter beer” is absolutely disgusting (my description of it would be – think of those simple syrup liquid flavorings at coffee shops – it is like 1/2 a butterscotch bottle dumped in a glass with a little water and foam… I could only tolerate one sip and I am no where near having a picky palate!) I also got the $18 “American Breakfast” plate option that was listed to contain “fresh scrambled eggs, breakfast potatoes, crisp bacon, and link sausage with butter croissant”. The potatoes had flavor, the eggs didn’t and the croissant was grocery store bland and super stale! It was also SO dark where we were assigned seating after waiting in line, that I could barely even see the food on my plate (this photo was brightened up):

Both of the Universal Studios Harry Potter grounds were extremely crowded, with absolutely no sense of direction in the masses walking around, a very chaotic energy— all of the sneezing/coughing in the air without covering faces, no general manners and just utter bleh.

We rode two of the Harry Potter rides and although my daughter had a “fun” time, my son (7) was most definitely not in to the overall darkness that they entailed. Besides those, most of what the experience seemed to be, is rows of endless tiny stores with similar and repeated over-priced toys and unnecessary trinkets (Diagon Alley seemed to be 90% tiny congested shops). One positive was that their family bathroom option was clean.

My favorite parts of the first section of the trip was 1.) just simply *being* with my family… and 2.) the water taxi boat rides to and from hotels-parks. Oh! and 3.) a phenomenal sandwich while on our hotel grounds, at Sal’s Market Deli that I MUST re-create at home! The food everywhere was very meek-American except two Italian spots that tickled the taste buds a little bit. I actually got a mild bout of food poisoning from a sushi place at the City Walk that I now refer to as “tourist trap sushi”.

My son is very much like me, so his nervous system needed major TLC after all the crowds, etc. Following his experience at Universal Studios, he said that his favorite part was seeing the Transformers (Optimus Prime and Bumble Bee to be exact), the water taxi boat rides (to and from our hotel to Universal Studios/City Walk) and watching the wild ducks by the lake (which was back at our hotel also). He’s only 7, but even he was taken back by the ginormous lack of manners nearly everywhere by people in general.

A very odd experience also occurred within our last moments inside Universal Studios, when a groundskeeper came up to my son who was holding a Bumble Bee Transformer toy and said “Hey, why don’t you give me that?” While I understand he was probably just ‘trying to be funny’, it was a very awkward experience for us all, because he didn’t just ask and walk away laughing, he kept his hand out as if he actually expected my son to hand over his figure to a complete ( grown man) stranger. Needless to say, *that* as our last impression before exiting was… lackluster.

PART 2

The second part of our week was spent at the Disney’s Yacht Club Resort. The transition from the Universal experience/grounds, to the Disney World experience/grounds – was like going from shopping at a sketchy gas station with a fresh coat of paint, to then shopping at Saks NYC.

Overall, it was a way smoother experience at the second hotel. The grounds were very well-kept, sturdy-built feeling within buildings, the staff was very welcoming/helpful and the quality more closely matched the prices. We had “club level” access, which we didn’t expect much of, but it honestly probably saved us a lot of money on food because they had actual good-quality breakfast bar, drink options, lunch/snacks, evening hors d’oeuvres and dessert that were all stellar options right in the lobbyway of our room floor level. 7.5/10.

From my understanding, (I am not too privy on Disney World knowledge), there are four main parks (think of Disney World like its own city – described online as “40 square miles, the complex is twice the size of Manhattan, and around the same size as San Francisco. It straddles two of Florida’s counties {Orange and Osceola}, contains 175 miles of roads, features 67 miles of navigable waterways, offers 40,000 hotel rooms”).

We only bought admission tickets for one day at Disney’s Hollywood Studios park, because the kids’ main interest was the Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge. Our total price was over $700 just for those entrance tickets, for one. day. The Yacht Club Resort has a pier in which water taxi boats come and go every 15 minutes to easily transport guests to EPCOT, Boardwalk and Hollywood Studios.

Since we stayed at an on-site resort, we got to enter the theme park 30 minutes earlier than the general public. That was a nice perk.

We immediately went to the first Star Wars ride, which I believe is called “the Adventures Continue” and is one of the oldest “experiences” as it’s a 3D-goggle-wearing type of virtual deal, rather than a physically moving “ride”.

The other two, more main WDW Orlando Star Wars attraction RIDES, were both “out of order” and we had walked through the entire waiting line of one of them, to then be escorted back out…………………….I mean, I’m glad that we didn’t get stuck on a malfunctioning ride, but also – no comment about missing out on a big portion of why we traveled there in the first place…

I will say, walking through the Star Wars section of Disney’s Hollywood Studios, was way less chaotic than our experiences at Universal Studios. It felt like a mock-up set with Moroccan town center type of characteristics – I did enjoy our time as well as my Ronto Roasters hotdog-wrap, which is explained as a: “gyro-style entree made with pork sausage and sliced pork in a soft pita and topped with tangy slaw, and a creamy peppercorn dressing”.

We had made a couple of reservations prior to arriving, one was for the ‘droid building’ activity, which was also SUPER expensive, but the kid’s enjoyed their 20 minutes in doing so.

Our other reservation made in advance, was for Oga’s Cantina – which is explained via WDW as:

This was an interesting time, and I would say that it was worth it just for the one-time “experience”.

You definitely do feel like you are inside the ‘Star Wars world’, but it is nothing like an actual restaurant as there are only 2 snack options: a charcuterie board or what we had –the stale veggie chips with a curry-tasting “salsa”. The drinks were definitely one-of-a-kind, but nothing you’d ever dream about consuming again. We also were seated at a crammed booth with 2 other parties of guests, one of which included a vocally-unhappy baby (which I don’t blame her, a low-lit, loud, other-planet bar-type environment probably wouldn’t be my jam as a baby either, lol).

As we were on the water taxi leaving from Disney’s Hollywood Studios, back to the hotel *completely finished with all the theme park-ing we came to Orlando to do* – I thought to myself, “well, I survived” and gave myself a silent pat on the back mentally. Then a few moments later, the boat captain said, “keep your eyes out for a bald eagle that was just perched along the tree line on my way here…” and *boom, a majestic bald eagle flies past the left side of the boat with a fish in its talons.*

For the conspiracy theorists— yes, the masonic nods were apparent to me at Disney— from the parking lot sign fees of $33, to an older man in the elevator with a black onyx mason symbol gold ring on his finger. & additionally yes, they make you place your finger down upon entry to seemingly record your finger print.

In conclusion, I do not think that any childhood is lacking whatsoever if not comprised of a Disney World/Orlando theme parks trip. The extra-fee Disney “magic bands” are also a total NON-NECESSITY, especially if you are only planning on a one-time trip scenario like us. We basically only used them to get in to our hotel room and inside the park, but you could also just use the app and/or a regular room key. The “interactive” game-type settings for them, are very much lacking as nothing worked seamlessly. Overall 6/10.

I promised my son that the next trip that we take, will be 100% ocean centered-chill and he can spend all day in the tide pools catching crabs and snorkeling with the turtles (our sense of vacation is the same )—my daughter on the other hand, was living her best life, not a single complaint whatsoever! Her nervous system honestly blows my mind, because she can adapt 100% flawlessly and be in genuine positive headspace/energy nearly 24/7. I am glad that they both got their WDW amusement park experiences; but all in all, they both understand that there is **so much** more to experience in the world, out of the country and to immerse in—culturally.

I am grateful for the experience, but also grateful that it’s over — I have never been a ‘Disney person’ (I actually begged my parents to not take us to WDW as kids, but instead an ocean vacation in which I then dove in the waves all trip long feeling pure bliss). I would much rather spend the money to go swim amongst whales in the middle of the Pacific ocean & eat local cuisine straight from the butcher block that makes my taste buds dance!

P.S. I’m so sorry that this article has a negative undertone or just plain bland… and this should also go without saying, but no judgment whatsoever if you *are* a ‘Disney person’. Yet perhaps my experience will save someone like me, lots of money in the future upon reading.

Here’s to more enticing travel shares to come!